SHE NEVER SAID NO

“Are you sure?”

      “Um, yeah.”

“100% sure?”

     “Um, yeah. If you want to.”

“I only do if you do. We can just hangout. I honestly don’t care.”

     “Okay yeah, let’s just hangout."

“Sounds good. So what did you do today?”

This is how it should go.

Is a conversation like this foreign to you? If it is and you’ve experienced the opposite of this, or experienced a conversation not remotely close to this, you should understand the reality of the situation.

We can be thoroughly convinced that we have full control over our choices. But sometimes we may have guidance regarding “our” choices. We can be pressured into making some of these choices.

In fact, women are at greater risk of sexual coercion relative to men, women experience greater trauma as a result of the increased victimization experienced, and men are much more likely to be the perpetrators of coercion. This power dynamic can create a culture that increases pressures to say “yes”.

What’s wrong with this picture?

As women, we are conditioned. We are taught to please men. We have been for our entire lives. Until I was educated on the socialization of women and men, I was unaware of these inherent tendencies. It was automatic.

Why did I say, “please,” “excuse me,” “of course” too many times? Why did I always feel the need to comply with men? As if I had owed them something. As if I had something to prove.

Please. Excuse me, not a chance in hell.

We don't owe men anything. Not a single thing.

There are consistent instances in which, when my friends come to me with ‘boy’ issues, I still have to clarify to them that the guys they’re with are pressuring them. I have to explain how they’re being manipulated, why they are, and how to respond to these types of encounters.

I have to explain why they feel the need to objectify their own bodies for someone else's benefit. I have to remind them that they are multidimensional human beings. It’s mind blowing that it took years for me to realize I was blind to these things myself, until recently.

If he asks you to do something and you say no, or “not really” or “um, yeah” and you don’t want to, there is nothing wrong with that. Absolutely nothing.

If he sighs or says something under his breath or deliberately shows you he’s upset by your lack of reciprocation, he is pressuring you. He’s making you feel bad. He’s guilting you into reciprocating. This is not only unfair, it’s wrong.

If he’s turned on and wants more and you don’t, he’ll get over it. If he has blue balls and “needs more” but you don’t, he’ll get over it.

But the sense of powerlessness you’ll feel knowing you were pressured into doing something you didn’t want to do, will you get over it? You’ll remember. You will hurt. And him? He’ll be perfectly fine. He’ll get over it. You won’t.

We deserve to always feel comfortable. All of us. Consent goes both ways. I will never initiate anything physical with anyone unless I am 100% sure that the other person would want me to. Most women subconsciously follow this rule. And let me tell you, we deserve to feel comfortable too.

It is not your responsibility to please anyone but yourself. It is not your responsibility to feel shame or guilt for not being ready. It is not your responsibility to say yes.

Consent is not the presence of a “No.”, it is the absence of a “Yes.”

And yes means everything.