SELF-REFLECTION

I’m happy. I am.

Wake up. Turn phone alarm off. Check phone— it’s wrong, unhealthy. I know. Tell myself to buy an alarm clock. This week, okay. Think. School— I have an hour before my first class. Think— shower. Time for breakfast today? Hopefully, running late. Let’s see.

Shower. Makeup. Outfit. I feel pretty today. I am pretty, am I? Today, I feel pretty. Think— school. Ready, time to leave. Will I catch my train? I might be late. I do this every day. Not tomorrow. It’s alright for today, but not tomorrow.

Catch my train. So close, I could’ve been late today. Alright, not tomorrow. No time for breakfast today. After my class. Will I have time? I have research today. Let’s see.

Think— class. Raise your hand. Speak. End of class. Catch up with friends. Speak.

Think— research. Sexual violence. Topic— sexual attitudes towards women. It’s painful to think about. Why do I do this to myself? It’s important. It’s important to me. What else would I do? Breathe. Think— research. Do I have time to eat? Okay, grab something. Run to the lab— research. Three hours.

Should I go home? I won’t get any homework done at home. Library. Homework. Study. Two hours.

Time to go home? I’m tired. Exhausted. Think— home. Train. Is it safe to go out alone right now? It’s fine, I should be fine. I take this route everyday. Anything can happen. Think— home. Breathe. Headphones. Train.

Home— safe. Eat. Watch a Netflix show. Relax. What’s my schedule for tomorrow? Class. Meeting. Research. Study— exam next week. Did I finish that assignment? I should do it now. I’m exhausted. I can squeeze it in for tomorrow. It’s fine. Think— sleep. Set alarm. Wash face, take contacts out, change into something comfy. Sleep.

Wake up. Repeat.

Train. School. Class. Meeting. Research.

Wait— overhear girls talking about someone. You know who they’re talking about. “His presence makes me feel so uncomfortable.” Wait— stop. Should I say something? I reported him last semester. Why is this still going on? You have to say something. Introduce yourself. Say something. Talk to them. “He grabbed me, I don’t know why he thinks he can”. Take it in, thank them for trusting you. Why is this still happening? What do I do? Think— anger, discomfort, rage. Why is he doing this? Still? Why do people think they can? Think— say something. You have to—you’ll keep thinking about it.

Think— office. Report him, again. Sexual harassment. In the office. I am so uncomfortable having this conversation. Don’t cry. Hold it together. Wait until you’re home. Think— tell them. Hope something changes. Thank them for their time. Think— train. Home.

Why? Why do these things happen? Why do they continue to? Think— home. The tears are coming. Let them come. Walk home— don’t look at anyone.

Finally, home. Breakdown. Forgive yourself. You held it together most of the day. Be proud of yourself. It’s painful, but it’s important. Breathe. Think—

I’m happy. I am.